Law

Last week's simulation of stranding and recovering a drilling rig in the Puget Sound is just the latest addition to their winning streak. As the Polar Pioneer set out from Seattle for the Arctic Ocean, sHell personnel decided to practice recovering the rig from a potential grounding. "The calm waters of Puget Sound in the summer are a perfect match to Arctic conditions," an internal memo notes.

The drill tested out all aspects of sHell's operation including communications. "The public relations team responded magnificently, nimbly rolling out a description of how the rig was calibrating its compass. A prompt and well-coordinated communication effort was essential to swat away nonsensical statements from extreme environmentalists that the grounding was accidental."

Other press releases celebrated sHell's use of advanced TideChart © technology to free the rig exactly as planned. Respected environmental analyst Bill O'Reilly chimed in. "Tide comes in, tide goes out, regular as clockwork. This is proof that God wants sHell to drill in the Arctic. There's no other explanation."

The excellent communication effort underscores sHell's commitment to public health. "Anxiety is a proven source of health impacts," a sHell executive notes. "We have a civic duty to the public to reduce any exaggerated worries about the destruction of our climate or environment. Our job is to reduce worry and thus protect everyone's health."