Law

Since the day our great nation was founded, we have withstood the scourge of billions of illegal interlopers every year. These scoffalaws can't speak English and don't even try to learn it, never hold down a job, and ravage agricultural resources in many areas as they pass through.

The avians shiftlessly travel in large gangs (you may have heard the sanitized and benevolent-sounding term of "flock"), sometimes even pooping on the heads of hard-working, patriotic American citizens or into our swimming pools. Worse still, certain species of swallows are associated with notorious coconut smuggling rings. To a one, they are all too lazy to get off their tail feathers and apply for legal status.

Our government has never taken effective action against these illegal migrants, despite the fact that many of them cross our sacred national border several times per year, every year of their lives, thumbing their beaks at our laws every time. 

Finally, this unacceptable status quo is about to change. . . .